Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
