Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
