On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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