First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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