So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
