I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
