is your mom at the bar?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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