I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he thought i was a dude.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
