I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
