What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
