Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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