Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
