I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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