Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
