is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
