Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
God, I missed his penis.
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