Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
