just tell him i said nine months
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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