DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
