I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
