My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
