Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
