when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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