Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
my poor anus
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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