My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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