my vag is so smooth its legendary
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
