if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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