Dude my mom stole all your condoms
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
