just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
