So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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