i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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