dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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