he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
