dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
