a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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