Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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