I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
don't judge my taste in strippers
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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