the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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