i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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