I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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