Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
