I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
