Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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