Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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