he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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