I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
is wine microwaveable?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
