Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
