Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
