I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
