I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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